Yesterday was International Women’s Day and I felt like I could take on the world. As I scrolled through the numerous posts heralding the many successes of women, I felt empowered. I identified with them, I thought that’s me, I’ve got this. I looked at my daughter and felt, more than ever, that I would be a strong, confident role model, the one to show her that she can achieve anything she puts her mind to. I thought of my Mum and my Gran, the two women I look up to the most. Both sure of who they are, sure of their own opinion and able to hold their own in disagreements with grace and eloquence. That’s who I want to be for my daughter and who I thought I was until tonight.
Tonight I feel about two inches tall. I feel like a silly girl, unsure of herself and reliant on others to fight her corner. I am aware as I write this how petty it seems, all because of a Facebook post, but it’s something that’s forced me to reflect. I saw a post online I disagreed with. Already in a mood and without much forethought, I posted my opinion, only to be met with an onslaught of criticism. Now I feel I can take criticism, but what I don’t react well to is being patronised. And that’s how I felt reading the responses, and as I tried and failed to explain myself, I felt myself become unsure of my own opinion, lost confidence in what I felt. So I deleted the post. I gave up my opinion. This was just a small fight to give up, in the grand scheme of things it’s not something I’m passionate about, but it made me think about myself.
What other arguments have I given up too quickly? Am I selling myself short? Am I being the best role model that I can be for my daughter?
And that’s the scariest thought I’ve had had a mum, that I’m not doing my utmost best for her at every turn, that I’m not putting her first and that I’m letting her down.
So from now on I resolve to be better, to be stronger, because I want both of us to feel the way I did yesterday, everyday.